"Black Velveteen, she'll even do dishes."
Lenny Kravitz 1998

I moved into a new house with a new roomate. They say that you never really know someone until you live with them. Well I know now, along with being insane, my roomate iz Black Velveteen.

The house came with a dishwaher built into the kitchen, and the first thing I thought wuz; "Cool, no more handwashing dishez." Then the roomate came in and said, "My dishwaher iz better. I'm going to have this one taken out, and mine put in." Now az far az I could tell, the dishwasher that wuz there looked fine. But az alwayz, I hadta know, "How iz yourz better?" "Oh," she sez, "It makes them really clean. It just iz." Az I'm not one to argue with a 5th degree black belt, I simply responded, "Oh, I see." So she hired a plumber.

Turnz out her dishwasher iz one of thoze portable onez, so the plumber would have to seal off some pipes from the old dishwasher. After springin' a coupla leaks, everything turned out fine... almost. Being a portable dishwasher, you have to connect it to the tap in the kitchen right? Well, herz didn't fit. Plumber-guy hadta go look for a new faucet that would fit on her dishwasher hoze. He said he'd be back when he found one.

After two weeks, the dirty dishez that were piling up actually started growing fur. My kitchen went from; illogical thinking to science experiment in approxiamately fourteen dayz. All the while I washed my dishez, but refuzed to do herz. Generally I don't do other people'z dishez, unless of course they do the cooking. Yeah, so my kitchen had five o'clock shadow at the sink.

The plumber eventually came back, made everything better and the kitchen got shaved. A week went by, and that's when I noticed my Black Velveteen Theory. The dishez began piling up in the sink again, and I thought that maybe her machine wuzn't working. Nope, not true. I came home late one night, and there she wuz... hand washing her dishez, then putting them into the dishwasher.

No wonder they get so clean. Her machine never really gets a chance. She cheats.



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