The three of us were partnerz; Mr. Tee, Eddie and myself. Together we DJ’d, and ran a strip club. We called ourselvez ‘The 3 Amigos’, and we were good at what we did. We put on big promotionz, and made our bossez lotsa money while doing so. We set the trend with our amateur contests, and every contest that followed wuz better than the last. It never got boring, we alwayz got obliterated, and each time we would set loftier goalz for our next promotion.

With our next event, the goal wuz (in one night) to have the club make fifteen thouzand dollarz, and we figured we knew what we had to do to make it happen. The idea wuz to coincide one of our amateur contests with a duo dream date giveaway. We had two magazine modelz booked to come to town in the middle of August, and we figured that if we offered guyz a chance to go out on a date with the both of ‘em, it’d be a sure money maker. Better yet, we’d send the winner on a three hour yacht cruise with the babez, and get them all f*ckt up!

So we had our plan, we just had to get the ball rollin’.

First thingz first; booze…. we’ll need lots of booze. And how would we get it now that we weren’t allowed access to a bar tab? (a few months prior, we’d had a pool party for some customerz, and went $1000 and three kegz of beer over budget.) It wuz a management decision to not give us a bar tab ever again, so we started pooling our Polaroid money for a couple of months prior to the dream date promotion. The girlz we work with generally do polaroidz, so instead of splitting up the money every week, we’d just save, save, save.

Two months went by and we managed to save close to five hundred bux for the booze. We planned on inviting every strip club manager / DJ that we knew, and we planned on getting them az drunk az we usually got ourselvez. We rezerved 10 hotel roomz and western Canada’z largest limozeen, then hit the nearest Liquor Barn to do some shopping. We bought bottlez in every size, shape and colour, plus a sh*tload of beer. Our hotel washroom turned into an unbelievable looking liquor cabinet, with beerz chilling in the back of the toilet, and the bath tub home to a ton of ice, and every other bottle we had purchased.

The dream date contest wuz to take place on the Thurzday night, the final night of our amateur contest. By 6 pm on the day of the event, the bar wuz wall to wall packed with people, and the show didn’t start until 9. We knew we had it made in the shade, so we started drinking instantaneously… and quite heavily.

In tradition of our contests of past, I started my shift at 6 pm, and the other two came on around 9. I did my thing, drink in hand for a few hourz, while my partnerz got themselves drunk elsewhere. At this same time, (unknown to myself), a friend of mine decided to stop by and say hello. He came through the hotel lobby to make hiz way down to the back entrance of the bar, but he met up with Tee and they went to our hotel room / liquor barn for a few drinks. (I wouldn’t end up seeing my buddy until three hourz later when he came crashing through the back bar doorz more messed up than anybody.)

The friendz that we invited, started arriving and checking into their roomz. Almost immediately, everyone everywhere had a drink in their handz. The booze wuz flowing like a glacier run off, and you could tell early that it wuz going to get really messy. You didn’t need a weather man, it wuz just plain to see.

The amateur contest finalz got started a half hour late do to my partnerz drunken re-tardiness. All of the contestants were loaded, the judgez were loaded, we were loaded, and pretty much everyone within spitting distance wuz beginning to wobble. The contest went off without a hitch, and the duo dream date giveaway too. Az we’ve alwayz done after our promotionz, we continued the debauchery, but this time, we had to check out the bar totalz to see if we’d hit our fifteen thouzand dollar goal.

Leading up to this promotion, the bar manager Tyler had taken two weeks off. They replaced him with a temporary manager named Greg. Greg wuz a younger guy. More like ourselvez, so we liked him much better than Tyler. Now Tyler wuz fine in a way becuz he really had nothing to do with our jobz, and he had no power over us. But he wuz a sarcastic bastard who occasionally got punched out by hiz own doormen becuz he liked to shoot off hiz mouth. It wuz fun to watch, but only made us think very little of him. While Greg wuz in Tyler’z place we all got along, and Greg hooked himself up with a dancer named Aimee. She wuz a cool chick, but we’d all learn later that she wuz completely insane.

Greg’z last night az bar manager wuz the same night az our duo dream date promotion, and Tyler came back to watch. Come one in the morning, Tee had taken some valume to straighten out, I’d had a couple of celebration doobiez with my buddy Randy from Vancouver, and Eddie wuz missing in action, but more than likely off with one of the dream date girlz. It seemed that the entire bottom floor of the hotel wuz alive and kickin’ and the party wuz just beginning to pick up a notch.

Tee and myself were in the hotel lobby az f*ckt up az we could be, but we still had our buziness sense. We hooked up with our night auditor Peter to check out the final bar totalz, and Tyler showed up just in time for the results. Turned out the bar only pulled in thirteen thouzand dollarz, a healthy number, but not what we wanted to hear.

Fact: being under the influence of narcotics effects how one thinks, acts and feelz.

Me, being really baked and drunk, kinda just shrugged off us not making our goal. But Tyler and hiz sarcastic mouth pushed Tee over the edge when he said, “So you guyz aren’t az sh*t hot az you think you are.” My reaction to step between Tee and Tyler stopped him from taking a punch to the chops. To cool off, Tee and I went outside to have a smoke.

I turned my back on Tee to give Tyler the finger, and say, “What the hell did you say that for you stuypid sh*t?!” And this iz all that it took for me to miss how the next bit of mayhem started. Turned out that another drunk wuz walking hiz bike in the same direction of a stoned and stumbling Tee looking for hiz smokes. The next thing you know, the drunk haz got hiz kryptonite lock off hiz bike and he’z swingin’ it at Tee. Tee gets knocked to the ground with a crucial blow to the head, I flew into the back swing and took a blow to the chin. My cranium rang like bell, but it didn’t knock me down. I kept at this f**ker with only one thing in mind; get the f**king lock! I got hit two more times, but I felt like a Frankenstein. I got the b*stard just in time for Tee to get to hiz feet and kick hiz ass. This all took place in the middle of the street, around 2:30 in the morning, so there wuz not much traffic around. Although however, we were only two blocks from the cop shop. It wuz only a matter of minutes until the authoritiez arrived.

I wuz able to stomp the lock out of the guyz hand and pitch it to the side of the road. When the cops broke it all up, me and some bystander went looking to find the lock. They threw Tee in the back of one of their cruizerz and the lock wielding drunk into another. They tried getting a statement from me, but I wanted to find the kryptonite lock. I thought that there wuz no way that they’d believe my story without the lock, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. There came a time when I thought that the dood who wuz helping me look for it, threw it into the bushez to hide it from me. I lost it on the guy, and a couple of cops intervened with there flash lights. They took me aside to talk, and that’s when I realized, “Sh*t, I’m really, really baked, my headz ringin, and there’z cops everywhere… I should calm down.”

They asked me if I wanted to press chargez, but I just wanted the dood thrown in the drunk tank, and Tee released. They reached my demandz, and the cops eventually dissipated. Tee and I went back into the hotel parking lot, and conveniently did not run into Tyler again. All the friendz we’d invited to the contest, were all getting back from their various bar hopping just in time to see what we had gotten ourselvez into after the show. “F**k buddy, nice light show,” one of my Vancouver palz said pointing to all the cop carz.

I stopped by a buddyz room for another puff on a joint, az he sang the Spin Doctors ‘Pocket Full of Kryptonite’ to me and laughed. We both chuckled, then I retreated back to my room to see what Tee wuz up to. He wuz drunk, stoned and extremely pissed off. Bottlez of booze were flying left and right, smashing glass, and it only made matterz worse when he tried to break my bottle of Jim Beam and it only bounced off the wall.

Temp manager Greg knocked on the door and it quieted thingz done somewhat., We invited him in, and a few secondz later, Aimee showed up. She didn’t want to be there at all, she wanted her and Greg to leave. But Greg, he wanted to stay and have some drinks with ‘the boyz’. She completely lost her mind when he told her to “beat it bitch!” Flailing and kicking, she lunged at him az Tee and myself took a step back laughing. Then she flew at Tee, but I caught her mid-air, armz and legz goin’ in all directionz. I had her around the waist, but her right knee kept coming over top of her shoulder feverishly hitting me in the head. Again my noggin’ wuz ringing like a bell, but this time I had an insane chick in a bear hug, and we went down backwardz together. Greg and Tee ran out of the room when they had the chance, and I continued holding on to the crazy girl until the coast wuz clear.

“Calm the f**k down, you’re going to wake up the hotel,” I told her. Then she began to cry out of control. “Holy f**k,” I thought, “now I gotta play therapist.” I calmed her down with kind wordz, complete bullsh*t, but I did what I had to do to mellow her out. Eventually she nodded off, and I too, but only to be woken when Greg and Tee kicked down the door more drunk than when they had left. Turnz out, they went back down to the bar to free poured themselves into oblivion. “F**k you, you crazy b*tch!” Greg yelled az Tee kicked at her bed. She woke up shrieking, with fists and kicks flyin’. Az stoned and drunk az I wuz, I moved pretty quick to catch her before laying any crucial blows to either Tee or Greg. They left the room again, az I took more kneez to the head and fell with her onto the other bed.

With hellz bellz ringin’ in my head again, I succeeded in calming Aimee down for a second time. Then there wuz another knock at the door, but this time it wuz the limo driver, and he wuz ready to call it a night. I had an idea of sheer brilliance came when I thought of sending the mental case home with him. He wuz happy, she wuz somewhat content with it, and I wuz ready to go to bed. I passed out almost immediately after they left, and didn’t wake up until I had to go to work in the morning.

I woke up fairly hung over, and saw that Tee wuz smokin’ a cigarette. I wuz pretty sure he hadn’t slept yet, but I had no desire to ask him. We kind of raized our eyebrowz at each other, then I left and went to work. I hadn’t been there more than five minutes when my phone rang. It wuz our GM, and he wuzn’t pleazed. “Why did I get a phone call at three in the morning from the police department saying that my DJz have been fighting, and that they’ve clozed off a city block becuz of it? Why were there room complaints about the sound of breaking bottlez in room 130?”

I couldn’t help but think how cool it wuz that we had an entire city block rendered useless, with full acceptance from the long arm of the law, and none of us got arrested for it. Tee wuz even smokin’ when he wuz in the back of the cop car.

“That’s a good question Ed,” wuz all I could really think of to say. I wound up concocting a story of domestic hit and miss with Aimee and Greg, and somehow convincingly enough, pinning everything on her. Ed and I both agreed to never book her again, and the only negative outcome for me and my other amigos wuz; Tee being barred forever from drinking on the premisez , and I being told to “maybe take it eazy the next time.”

It’s funny what money can do. I’m sure thirteen grand would have me buying that dood a new kryptonite lock with a “no hard feelingz clauze”.


Copyright © 2004 Zappnin Black. All Rights Reserved.